Loss of Faith

***Originally posted June 22, 2009

Im not sure where to begin. I always thought of myself as a Christian. I didn’t believe everything that Christianity taught, but still felt like I was a Christian. When I was a teenager, I went on my own spiritual quest to figure out what it all means and what I believed. Of course this is when I came to believe that even though I don’t believe in everything Christianity teaches, it was the closest Id found. And really the only difference I had was that I didn’t believe that God was cruel. I didn’t believe in a God that wiped out villages and all that “eye for an eye” stuff. For me, God was a loving God and would not punish you for sins. I thought God loves like a parent, unconditionally. Of course people can turn away from God, but I didn’t believe they were evil. I don’t believe in evil, I believe that “evil” people are not evil, they are just empty, they have lost whatever good they once had. I don’t believe in hell, I don’t believe that there is some eternal damnation in the fiery pits of hell and all that. I didn’t believe that God would send his child to a place like that, regardless of their “sins.” And as part of this I didn’t believe that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins. No reason to do that, we aren’t going to hell because we shoplifted once or whatever. I believed that Jesus died on the cross to show the nonbelievers who he really was. To rise from the dead was his purpose, not to save us for our sins. Many things brought me to these conclusions, too much to go into for this purpose. I explain this, not to argue my beliefs or to convince you, but rather to show where I’m starting from and how my beliefs have never been strictly Christian.

I used to pray every night. Always for the same thing. That my family and I would be safe and healthy. I prayed for this every night. That God may watch over us and guide us to make good decisions, etc, etc. After my loss, I tried to pray. But suddenly I was angry. Angry that my prayers were not answered. Angry that I prayed for no reason. It seemed like, what’s the point? Why pray? The most important prayer I had wasn’t answered. Why pray for anything anymore? It won’t happen just cause I pray for it.

Ive struggled with this for awhile now. I’ve been so angry every time I’ve attempted to pray. I know many people get strength, courage, or what have you through prayer, but for me its not that way. I’ve come to realize that I feel abandoned by God. Not just for allowing my baby to die, but also for not comforting me when I need it the most. I’ve tried so many times to pray, even praying to be able to pray. But in the end, its just emptiness. Like I just can’t bring myself to believe anymore. Everything I believed in has been called into question.

I was recently lent a book When bad things happen to good people. Its written by a Jewish rabbi, whose son died from Progeria. It really helped me understand what I’d been struggling with these past few months. Essentially the book argues that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, rather they happen randomly. Some things happen due to nature, ie tornados, disease. Some things happen due to other people’s free will, ie. rape, murder, burglary. He argues that praying for these things not to happen isn’t effective, because God doesn’t make them happen. He says that God doesn’t punish you with these things because of your sins, rather they happen by chance. Of course there are lots of examples and lots of explanation. Im way oversimplifying here. But essentially the argument is that if bad things happened due to our sins or because we deserved them then bad things would only happen to bad people. And that praying doesn’t stop things from happening because God can’t do that. If he could then that must mean the family whose child survived leukemia prayed harder or with more meaning then the family who prayed but the child died anyway. This of course makes no sense. If praying worked, it would always work, right? But it doesn’t, because God doesn’t control these things.
This has got me thinking about the whole idea that “God works in mysterious ways” or that God has some “bigger plan” and “things happen for a reason.” It got me thinking about a lot of things actually. I’ve been so angry. I’m angry that my prayers weren’t answered and angry that my baby had to suffer for no reason. I can’t believe that there is some bigger plan that would involve my innocent child dying or that my child suffered due to some sin I committed. I can’t believe in a God that would do that. I don’t believe that things happen for a reason, that there is some fate that makes this stuff happen to us. I don’t believe my baby had to die for some greater purpose. And if that was true, I want nothing to do with that God. Why would I want to believe in a God that would make innocent babies suffer for his “master plan?” I do think that you can take a bad situation and do something good with it. I don’t think that means it was meant to be, that I had to experience this so I could do some good in the future or to fulfill God’s plan for me.

In the book, he argues that God’s place in your life it to help you through these hard times by giving you strength, courage, etc. But that actually is lost on me because I really think people give these things to themselves. I also think strength is attained through someone’s support system, which is where I now think religion comes in. Like a community of supporters that are there to help you and build you up. Through my loss, it has been my friends, family and especially my children who have given me inspiration and strength, not God or faith. So if that’s what God does for you, he didn’t do it for me, and not because I didn’t try or ask.

I was taught that if you do good things, good things happen to you and if you do bad things, bad things happen. This is taught over and over again in the Bible. Daniel’s faith in God saves him from being eaten by lions. David’s faith in God gives him the strength to kill Goliath. It makes me sick now. I was actually reading Hunter these Bible stories the other day and it made me ill to read them. I had to stop. I don’t want to teach her that faith and goodness is all you need. That this will carry you through and that faith in God will create miracles and save you from the wrongs of the world. This isn’t true.
So now I’ve come to a crossroads of sorts. I’m wondering what is left for me? What is there in Christianity for me? I already didn’t believe in hell. Now I don’t believe in God protecting me from tragedy and pain. I don’t believe that God gives me strength or courage. I don’t believe that God saves me from my sins. So what’s left? I can’t find anything. I’ve thought about talking to a pastor about it and seeing what they have for me, but I can’t imagine they could say anything that I wouldn’t find offensive, demeaning or pointless.

Since having kids I’ve attended church, not for me, but for them. I always felt my relationship with God was personal and I didn’t need a church to have a relationship with God. But I wanted to have someone else teaching my kids right and wrong. But now I don’t even know if I should do that anymore. I don’t want them to believe it all either. So now, I dont know. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if there will ever be anything left for me in Christianity.

In college, I explored a lot of other religions and faiths. I was intrigued by Buddhism because it had all the fundamentals of my beliefs but didn’t have the higher power of Christianity. It truly was the closest thing I’d ever found to my own beliefs, even closer then Christianity. Buddhism also teaches that bad things happen in life. Not because God has some higher purpose, but because bad things just happen. Suffering is a part of life. Which is essentially what I now believe. Of course, there is a lot more to it then that, but I won’t go it all here. I’ve studied Buddhism a lot over the past 10 years, but now I turn to it more and more. I see the truth in it. It doesn’t ask me to have faith in some higher power. Its just about living a good life. Essentially that living a good and clean life is what brings happiness and fulfillment into your life (to way over simplify a belief system). So now, it seems, that is what’s left for me. To have morality because it’s the right thing for me. Not because God wants me too or because I will go to hell if I don’t. But because its what brings me joy, fulfillment, enlightenment. Doing right by myself and the world. That’s all I have left.