Reawakening

Over the past week or so I have started to feel like maybe I was starting to move forward. Maybe because all of my friends who were pregnant with me have now had their babies and my due date is past. Like I have no other big trigger just sitting out there in the distance, looming. I've begun to feel like maybe now, I really can begin to heal.

Of course, every time I begin to feel this way, I get hammered. It may be because of a picture I see or a glimpse of myself, NOT pregnant, in the mirror or any number of little things that trigger my intense pain. The truth is I am in pain every minute of every day. I have this aching in my heart that never goes away. Sometimes it dims, but its never gone. Its my new "normal." My "Im not ok, but Im as ok as I can be." The intensity of my pain is reawakened here and there for whatever reason. But the pain is never gone. Its just less intense.

So here I am. I sit hear thinking about my loss. Crying as I write. I am moving on as well as I can. But in reality, I am triggered all the time. The latest is news of new additions to my family. As much as I am happy for the lives that will be coming, I am hit again. I was thinking that I was past all the hurtful pregnancies that were so hard for me to watch, to only have more that are just starting. I thought new pregnancies wouldnt bother me as much. And so far, they hadnt. But this does. Cause my baby would've been amongst all of these new cousins. Growing up with them, playing with them. And now, I have to watch again as someone I love experiences what I want most in this world.

I want to be happy for them. And I am, but it is with that same bitter sweetness Ive felt for so long now. I want to enjoy the new babies that will come into my life. I want to watch them grow and enjoy their achievements. I've been trying to do this with my niece, who was born a week after my loss. So far, I havent really been able to enjoy them with her. I want to, but its so painful. I hold her and Im torn. I love her, she is adorable and lots of fun. But holding her brings up all of my pain. In the beginning, I liked holding her. It was peaceful. As time went on, it just got harder and harder. Now its getting easier again. Its not as painful to watch her and hold her. I am even enjoying it more. Im hoping that it will just continue to get easier and easier. And I have found that lately, I actually want to hold her and other babies. Whereas in the past, Ive usually only held my niece, or any other baby, because someone handed her to me or because I was the only one around and she needed to be picked up.

Today I heard someone who had experienced a loss say that she didn't want to be miserable by focusing on the things she didn't have, but wanted to appreciate the things she did have. In general this is how I look at things. That you will be miserable if you allow yourself to be miserable. But there are always good things to focus on. So Im going to try to do this. I dont want to be miserable anymore. I want to enjoy my life and my kids and my family. I want to look forward to the achievements that my kids will have in the future. So far, Ive felt like I have nothing in the future to look forward to. I dont want to feel that way, I want to be content with my children's futures as my own. And not to yearn for another baby to help fill this void. I dont know if that will ever happen, but I hope it does.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I feel like moving on will in some way dishonor my baby. But I want to find a way to get past that. This is what I've been working on for the past month or so. Moving on. I dont know how to do it, but Im trying. I get dragged back into my pain alot, but Im trying to let it be. Not let it go, cause I know that it will probably never go away. But to let it be. Just let it be there, a part of me, a part of who I am. A part that will always be in my heart but doesn't have to be a black cloud over everything else in my life. That's how Ive lived my life for the past 8 mos, with a black cloud over it. Never quite going away completely, allowing my misery to overtake me. I hope someday soon I will look up and just see a rainbow.

I want to tell someone Im ok and actually mean it.