Over the past week or so I have started to feel like maybe I was starting to move forward. Maybe because all of my friends who were pregnant with me have now had their babies and my due date is past. Like I have no other big trigger just sitting out there in the distance, looming. I've begun to feel like maybe now, I really can begin to heal.
Of course, every time I begin to feel this way, I get hammered. It may be because of a picture I see or a glimpse of myself, NOT pregnant, in the mirror or any number of little things that trigger my intense pain. The truth is I am in pain every minute of every day. I have this aching in my heart that never goes away. Sometimes it dims, but its never gone. Its my new "normal." My "Im not ok, but Im as ok as I can be." The intensity of my pain is reawakened here and there for whatever reason. But the pain is never gone. Its just less intense.
So here I am. I sit hear thinking about my loss. Crying as I write. I am moving on as well as I can. But in reality, I am triggered all the time. The latest is news of new additions to my family. As much as I am happy for the lives that will be coming, I am hit again. I was thinking that I was past all the hurtful pregnancies that were so hard for me to watch, to only have more that are just starting. I thought new pregnancies wouldnt bother me as much. And so far, they hadnt. But this does. Cause my baby would've been amongst all of these new cousins. Growing up with them, playing with them. And now, I have to watch again as someone I love experiences what I want most in this world.
I want to be happy for them. And I am, but it is with that same bitter sweetness Ive felt for so long now. I want to enjoy the new babies that will come into my life. I want to watch them grow and enjoy their achievements. I've been trying to do this with my niece, who was born a week after my loss. So far, I havent really been able to enjoy them with her. I want to, but its so painful. I hold her and Im torn. I love her, she is adorable and lots of fun. But holding her brings up all of my pain. In the beginning, I liked holding her. It was peaceful. As time went on, it just got harder and harder. Now its getting easier again. Its not as painful to watch her and hold her. I am even enjoying it more. Im hoping that it will just continue to get easier and easier. And I have found that lately, I actually want to hold her and other babies. Whereas in the past, Ive usually only held my niece, or any other baby, because someone handed her to me or because I was the only one around and she needed to be picked up.
Today I heard someone who had experienced a loss say that she didn't want to be miserable by focusing on the things she didn't have, but wanted to appreciate the things she did have. In general this is how I look at things. That you will be miserable if you allow yourself to be miserable. But there are always good things to focus on. So Im going to try to do this. I dont want to be miserable anymore. I want to enjoy my life and my kids and my family. I want to look forward to the achievements that my kids will have in the future. So far, Ive felt like I have nothing in the future to look forward to. I dont want to feel that way, I want to be content with my children's futures as my own. And not to yearn for another baby to help fill this void. I dont know if that will ever happen, but I hope it does.
Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I feel like moving on will in some way dishonor my baby. But I want to find a way to get past that. This is what I've been working on for the past month or so. Moving on. I dont know how to do it, but Im trying. I get dragged back into my pain alot, but Im trying to let it be. Not let it go, cause I know that it will probably never go away. But to let it be. Just let it be there, a part of me, a part of who I am. A part that will always be in my heart but doesn't have to be a black cloud over everything else in my life. That's how Ive lived my life for the past 8 mos, with a black cloud over it. Never quite going away completely, allowing my misery to overtake me. I hope someday soon I will look up and just see a rainbow.
I want to tell someone Im ok and actually mean it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
What a crazy day
I thought I had made it through the day without any major meltdowns. I was pretty down over the past two weeks, so I thought maybe I had already had my due date depression out of my system. Then it reared its ugly head. But that's how it goes, in ebbs and flows.
I tried to keep myself busy today because today was my due date. I attended two fitness classes and ran lots of errands. As luck would have it, a couple great things happened to me. First, I was trying to think of a suitable way to honor my baby. All of my ideas seemed somehow inadequate. I had been wanting to get a charm to represent this baby on my mothers charm necklace (with their birthstones) for quite some time now but haven't because I just couldn't find one that fit. Either is was gender specific, which I didn't want, or it didn't go with the other 3. But I decided to just go to Sears, where the rest of the charms were purchased, and hope I found something appropriate. I sat and pondered as I looked at the charms still with that "its just not right" feeling. The sales lady asked if I needed some help and I told her that I was looking to add a charm to my necklace like the one here in the case but it was for a baby that died without knowing the gender and I just wasnt sure what to get. She was very sweet and pointed out a couple cherub charms, but they weren't right either. Then she suggested I look at the family jewelry, ie the mothers rings and other various birthstone jewelry. There was a charm necklace in that case with baby rings. Each with the child's birthstone, very gender neutral and the right size to match with the other necklace. It was perfect. The sales lady asked if I had miscarried and I briefly said that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Its funny, I always avoid saying that cause it somehow feels like it invalidates my pregnancy since it was doomed from the start. She said she had been there and shared with me that she had an ectopic pregnancy in 1978 (another wierd thing, cause I was born in 1978). We shared stories and even though she was a stranger, it was a nice exchange. It almost seemed like she was put there on that day to be the person who helped me. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel uncomfortable and she was able to help me find something appropriate. She understood, like only someone who had this experience can understand.
So I continued on my day, very excited that I had found a way to honor my baby and hold him (or her, IDK) close to my heart. Of course it had to be ordered and it comes in a few days, but thats ok. As I walked out to my car, I got a call from Marion County. This job I have been waiting weeks to hear back about finally came through. Im now employed!!! Finally. And its working for the county, which means better pay and its here in Salem. YAY! My otherwise gloomy day was having some happy endings.
And yesterday I finally received the refund from my midwives that Ive been waiting 7 months for. Which felt like it was finally coming to a close, like all the loose ends were now tied up.
The rest of the day consisted of me trying to stay occupied by cleaning, surfing the web, watching tv, etc. Of course, the girls were being overly needy today, which usually happens when I'm distracted and not paying attn to them. So they were climbing all over me and in my face all day long. Which sometimes, I can deal with, but today I just needed them to stop. When that happens I usually give them my undivided attn, since that's what they want anyway, and they immediately go from fussy to playing and laughing. And that's how it went today, although my heart just wasn't in it.
So my meltdown came this evening. When I finally allowed myself to feel the pain that Ive been bottling up all day. Now I'm thinking about all of those things you shouldn't. The what ifs. The should haves. Everything about this pregnancy was perfect. It squeezed in right before we couldn't have any more, this baby would've been due today so the baby would have been about 9 months before we moved to TX, old enough that I wouldn't need quite as much help, and I actually would've been pregnant with lots of my friends. I had been pregnant with cousins the last 2 times, but I don't see them very often. I was really looking forward to having all the babies together, which I didn't have with Taylor and my attempt at that with Hunter went badly. Of course, all of those friends have now had their babies and they are all getting together for playdates and taking pictures with all the babies together just like I pictured doing with them. It breaks my heart every time I see that, yet it keeps happening. I'm really happy for all of my friends who have healthy babies, but it's really hard to see. It's hard when you feel like you're the only one who lost. Who doesn't get to hold your baby. I know some of them have had previous losses, but having to watch them now have those dreams fulfilled is painful. This will be my upside to moving back to Texas, not having to be around all of those babies all of the time.
And that's the other side of this trauma for me. Jim and I can't have any more children. I had come to terms with that before I found out I was pregnant. I had accepted that my life was going in a new direction and soon my baby days would be over. But when I got pregnant, that all changed. I had new dreams of holding my baby, getting to have a totally natural birth my own way in a birthing center, watching the girls play with the baby, seeing what a great big brother Devin would be, watching this child grow and change. I wondered if would it would be a boy and look like Jim and Devin or more like the men in my family, would it be a girl and look like her sisters. I looked forward to babywearing again and had a plan for managing with a baby and two toddlers, which involved relying on my baby bjorn and hoping the baby loved it. Now that my baby is gone, I feel the great loss of this child. The loss of the baby I will never know. I hope there is something out there after death and that at some point we will be reunited, but at this point my faith is shattered. But in addition to all of that, I also feel the great loss of never getting to have any of those dreams fulfilled. Never holding my newborn baby, never seeing how great Taylor would be as a big sister, or how much Hunter would want to help. I see them do this with my niece and it saddens me that they will never have their own little brother or sister to love on or play with.
I try to move on, but I just feel like I have this giant hole in my heart. One that could've been mended if life was a little different, but will never fully heal. I don't know how to move on. I suppose you just take it one day at a time and enjoy the little things. I do have a greater appreciation for my children, who I don't take for granted. I try to treasure every minute I have with them, which through counseling and my support groups Ive been able to do.
So thats it, the first due date, is over. I've survived, somehow. Better then I thought I would. I suppose that's something. But it's been a crazy day filled with highs and lows, which pretty much also describes the past 7 months of my life.
I tried to keep myself busy today because today was my due date. I attended two fitness classes and ran lots of errands. As luck would have it, a couple great things happened to me. First, I was trying to think of a suitable way to honor my baby. All of my ideas seemed somehow inadequate. I had been wanting to get a charm to represent this baby on my mothers charm necklace (with their birthstones) for quite some time now but haven't because I just couldn't find one that fit. Either is was gender specific, which I didn't want, or it didn't go with the other 3. But I decided to just go to Sears, where the rest of the charms were purchased, and hope I found something appropriate. I sat and pondered as I looked at the charms still with that "its just not right" feeling. The sales lady asked if I needed some help and I told her that I was looking to add a charm to my necklace like the one here in the case but it was for a baby that died without knowing the gender and I just wasnt sure what to get. She was very sweet and pointed out a couple cherub charms, but they weren't right either. Then she suggested I look at the family jewelry, ie the mothers rings and other various birthstone jewelry. There was a charm necklace in that case with baby rings. Each with the child's birthstone, very gender neutral and the right size to match with the other necklace. It was perfect. The sales lady asked if I had miscarried and I briefly said that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Its funny, I always avoid saying that cause it somehow feels like it invalidates my pregnancy since it was doomed from the start. She said she had been there and shared with me that she had an ectopic pregnancy in 1978 (another wierd thing, cause I was born in 1978). We shared stories and even though she was a stranger, it was a nice exchange. It almost seemed like she was put there on that day to be the person who helped me. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel uncomfortable and she was able to help me find something appropriate. She understood, like only someone who had this experience can understand.
So I continued on my day, very excited that I had found a way to honor my baby and hold him (or her, IDK) close to my heart. Of course it had to be ordered and it comes in a few days, but thats ok. As I walked out to my car, I got a call from Marion County. This job I have been waiting weeks to hear back about finally came through. Im now employed!!! Finally. And its working for the county, which means better pay and its here in Salem. YAY! My otherwise gloomy day was having some happy endings.
And yesterday I finally received the refund from my midwives that Ive been waiting 7 months for. Which felt like it was finally coming to a close, like all the loose ends were now tied up.
The rest of the day consisted of me trying to stay occupied by cleaning, surfing the web, watching tv, etc. Of course, the girls were being overly needy today, which usually happens when I'm distracted and not paying attn to them. So they were climbing all over me and in my face all day long. Which sometimes, I can deal with, but today I just needed them to stop. When that happens I usually give them my undivided attn, since that's what they want anyway, and they immediately go from fussy to playing and laughing. And that's how it went today, although my heart just wasn't in it.
So my meltdown came this evening. When I finally allowed myself to feel the pain that Ive been bottling up all day. Now I'm thinking about all of those things you shouldn't. The what ifs. The should haves. Everything about this pregnancy was perfect. It squeezed in right before we couldn't have any more, this baby would've been due today so the baby would have been about 9 months before we moved to TX, old enough that I wouldn't need quite as much help, and I actually would've been pregnant with lots of my friends. I had been pregnant with cousins the last 2 times, but I don't see them very often. I was really looking forward to having all the babies together, which I didn't have with Taylor and my attempt at that with Hunter went badly. Of course, all of those friends have now had their babies and they are all getting together for playdates and taking pictures with all the babies together just like I pictured doing with them. It breaks my heart every time I see that, yet it keeps happening. I'm really happy for all of my friends who have healthy babies, but it's really hard to see. It's hard when you feel like you're the only one who lost. Who doesn't get to hold your baby. I know some of them have had previous losses, but having to watch them now have those dreams fulfilled is painful. This will be my upside to moving back to Texas, not having to be around all of those babies all of the time.
And that's the other side of this trauma for me. Jim and I can't have any more children. I had come to terms with that before I found out I was pregnant. I had accepted that my life was going in a new direction and soon my baby days would be over. But when I got pregnant, that all changed. I had new dreams of holding my baby, getting to have a totally natural birth my own way in a birthing center, watching the girls play with the baby, seeing what a great big brother Devin would be, watching this child grow and change. I wondered if would it would be a boy and look like Jim and Devin or more like the men in my family, would it be a girl and look like her sisters. I looked forward to babywearing again and had a plan for managing with a baby and two toddlers, which involved relying on my baby bjorn and hoping the baby loved it. Now that my baby is gone, I feel the great loss of this child. The loss of the baby I will never know. I hope there is something out there after death and that at some point we will be reunited, but at this point my faith is shattered. But in addition to all of that, I also feel the great loss of never getting to have any of those dreams fulfilled. Never holding my newborn baby, never seeing how great Taylor would be as a big sister, or how much Hunter would want to help. I see them do this with my niece and it saddens me that they will never have their own little brother or sister to love on or play with.
I try to move on, but I just feel like I have this giant hole in my heart. One that could've been mended if life was a little different, but will never fully heal. I don't know how to move on. I suppose you just take it one day at a time and enjoy the little things. I do have a greater appreciation for my children, who I don't take for granted. I try to treasure every minute I have with them, which through counseling and my support groups Ive been able to do.
So thats it, the first due date, is over. I've survived, somehow. Better then I thought I would. I suppose that's something. But it's been a crazy day filled with highs and lows, which pretty much also describes the past 7 months of my life.
The day that you were due
The day that you were due
I can't escape the wanting
of having you in my arms
of kissing your little face
of falling for your charms
I hope you know I love you
more than words can say
I still want to hold and protect you
even from so far away
At times the pain of losing you
feels more then I can bear
I want to rush to heaven
knowing you are there
But your brother and your sisters
need me here at home
and your daddy would miss me far too much
I couldn't leave him alone
So even though we're not together
please know we still love you
and miss you even more today
on this, the day that you were due
I can't escape the wanting
of having you in my arms
of kissing your little face
of falling for your charms
I hope you know I love you
more than words can say
I still want to hold and protect you
even from so far away
At times the pain of losing you
feels more then I can bear
I want to rush to heaven
knowing you are there
But your brother and your sisters
need me here at home
and your daddy would miss me far too much
I couldn't leave him alone
So even though we're not together
please know we still love you
and miss you even more today
on this, the day that you were due
Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You?
Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You? ~
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."
We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mum,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."
"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."
We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mum,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."
"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one
Loss of Faith
***Originally posted June 22, 2009
Im not sure where to begin. I always thought of myself as a Christian. I didn’t believe everything that Christianity taught, but still felt like I was a Christian. When I was a teenager, I went on my own spiritual quest to figure out what it all means and what I believed. Of course this is when I came to believe that even though I don’t believe in everything Christianity teaches, it was the closest Id found. And really the only difference I had was that I didn’t believe that God was cruel. I didn’t believe in a God that wiped out villages and all that “eye for an eye” stuff. For me, God was a loving God and would not punish you for sins. I thought God loves like a parent, unconditionally. Of course people can turn away from God, but I didn’t believe they were evil. I don’t believe in evil, I believe that “evil” people are not evil, they are just empty, they have lost whatever good they once had. I don’t believe in hell, I don’t believe that there is some eternal damnation in the fiery pits of hell and all that. I didn’t believe that God would send his child to a place like that, regardless of their “sins.” And as part of this I didn’t believe that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins. No reason to do that, we aren’t going to hell because we shoplifted once or whatever. I believed that Jesus died on the cross to show the nonbelievers who he really was. To rise from the dead was his purpose, not to save us for our sins. Many things brought me to these conclusions, too much to go into for this purpose. I explain this, not to argue my beliefs or to convince you, but rather to show where I’m starting from and how my beliefs have never been strictly Christian.
I used to pray every night. Always for the same thing. That my family and I would be safe and healthy. I prayed for this every night. That God may watch over us and guide us to make good decisions, etc, etc. After my loss, I tried to pray. But suddenly I was angry. Angry that my prayers were not answered. Angry that I prayed for no reason. It seemed like, what’s the point? Why pray? The most important prayer I had wasn’t answered. Why pray for anything anymore? It won’t happen just cause I pray for it.
Ive struggled with this for awhile now. I’ve been so angry every time I’ve attempted to pray. I know many people get strength, courage, or what have you through prayer, but for me its not that way. I’ve come to realize that I feel abandoned by God. Not just for allowing my baby to die, but also for not comforting me when I need it the most. I’ve tried so many times to pray, even praying to be able to pray. But in the end, its just emptiness. Like I just can’t bring myself to believe anymore. Everything I believed in has been called into question.
I was recently lent a book When bad things happen to good people. Its written by a Jewish rabbi, whose son died from Progeria. It really helped me understand what I’d been struggling with these past few months. Essentially the book argues that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, rather they happen randomly. Some things happen due to nature, ie tornados, disease. Some things happen due to other people’s free will, ie. rape, murder, burglary. He argues that praying for these things not to happen isn’t effective, because God doesn’t make them happen. He says that God doesn’t punish you with these things because of your sins, rather they happen by chance. Of course there are lots of examples and lots of explanation. Im way oversimplifying here. But essentially the argument is that if bad things happened due to our sins or because we deserved them then bad things would only happen to bad people. And that praying doesn’t stop things from happening because God can’t do that. If he could then that must mean the family whose child survived leukemia prayed harder or with more meaning then the family who prayed but the child died anyway. This of course makes no sense. If praying worked, it would always work, right? But it doesn’t, because God doesn’t control these things.
This has got me thinking about the whole idea that “God works in mysterious ways” or that God has some “bigger plan” and “things happen for a reason.” It got me thinking about a lot of things actually. I’ve been so angry. I’m angry that my prayers weren’t answered and angry that my baby had to suffer for no reason. I can’t believe that there is some bigger plan that would involve my innocent child dying or that my child suffered due to some sin I committed. I can’t believe in a God that would do that. I don’t believe that things happen for a reason, that there is some fate that makes this stuff happen to us. I don’t believe my baby had to die for some greater purpose. And if that was true, I want nothing to do with that God. Why would I want to believe in a God that would make innocent babies suffer for his “master plan?” I do think that you can take a bad situation and do something good with it. I don’t think that means it was meant to be, that I had to experience this so I could do some good in the future or to fulfill God’s plan for me.
In the book, he argues that God’s place in your life it to help you through these hard times by giving you strength, courage, etc. But that actually is lost on me because I really think people give these things to themselves. I also think strength is attained through someone’s support system, which is where I now think religion comes in. Like a community of supporters that are there to help you and build you up. Through my loss, it has been my friends, family and especially my children who have given me inspiration and strength, not God or faith. So if that’s what God does for you, he didn’t do it for me, and not because I didn’t try or ask.
I was taught that if you do good things, good things happen to you and if you do bad things, bad things happen. This is taught over and over again in the Bible. Daniel’s faith in God saves him from being eaten by lions. David’s faith in God gives him the strength to kill Goliath. It makes me sick now. I was actually reading Hunter these Bible stories the other day and it made me ill to read them. I had to stop. I don’t want to teach her that faith and goodness is all you need. That this will carry you through and that faith in God will create miracles and save you from the wrongs of the world. This isn’t true.
So now I’ve come to a crossroads of sorts. I’m wondering what is left for me? What is there in Christianity for me? I already didn’t believe in hell. Now I don’t believe in God protecting me from tragedy and pain. I don’t believe that God gives me strength or courage. I don’t believe that God saves me from my sins. So what’s left? I can’t find anything. I’ve thought about talking to a pastor about it and seeing what they have for me, but I can’t imagine they could say anything that I wouldn’t find offensive, demeaning or pointless.
Since having kids I’ve attended church, not for me, but for them. I always felt my relationship with God was personal and I didn’t need a church to have a relationship with God. But I wanted to have someone else teaching my kids right and wrong. But now I don’t even know if I should do that anymore. I don’t want them to believe it all either. So now, I dont know. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if there will ever be anything left for me in Christianity.
In college, I explored a lot of other religions and faiths. I was intrigued by Buddhism because it had all the fundamentals of my beliefs but didn’t have the higher power of Christianity. It truly was the closest thing I’d ever found to my own beliefs, even closer then Christianity. Buddhism also teaches that bad things happen in life. Not because God has some higher purpose, but because bad things just happen. Suffering is a part of life. Which is essentially what I now believe. Of course, there is a lot more to it then that, but I won’t go it all here. I’ve studied Buddhism a lot over the past 10 years, but now I turn to it more and more. I see the truth in it. It doesn’t ask me to have faith in some higher power. Its just about living a good life. Essentially that living a good and clean life is what brings happiness and fulfillment into your life (to way over simplify a belief system). So now, it seems, that is what’s left for me. To have morality because it’s the right thing for me. Not because God wants me too or because I will go to hell if I don’t. But because its what brings me joy, fulfillment, enlightenment. Doing right by myself and the world. That’s all I have left.
Im not sure where to begin. I always thought of myself as a Christian. I didn’t believe everything that Christianity taught, but still felt like I was a Christian. When I was a teenager, I went on my own spiritual quest to figure out what it all means and what I believed. Of course this is when I came to believe that even though I don’t believe in everything Christianity teaches, it was the closest Id found. And really the only difference I had was that I didn’t believe that God was cruel. I didn’t believe in a God that wiped out villages and all that “eye for an eye” stuff. For me, God was a loving God and would not punish you for sins. I thought God loves like a parent, unconditionally. Of course people can turn away from God, but I didn’t believe they were evil. I don’t believe in evil, I believe that “evil” people are not evil, they are just empty, they have lost whatever good they once had. I don’t believe in hell, I don’t believe that there is some eternal damnation in the fiery pits of hell and all that. I didn’t believe that God would send his child to a place like that, regardless of their “sins.” And as part of this I didn’t believe that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins. No reason to do that, we aren’t going to hell because we shoplifted once or whatever. I believed that Jesus died on the cross to show the nonbelievers who he really was. To rise from the dead was his purpose, not to save us for our sins. Many things brought me to these conclusions, too much to go into for this purpose. I explain this, not to argue my beliefs or to convince you, but rather to show where I’m starting from and how my beliefs have never been strictly Christian.
I used to pray every night. Always for the same thing. That my family and I would be safe and healthy. I prayed for this every night. That God may watch over us and guide us to make good decisions, etc, etc. After my loss, I tried to pray. But suddenly I was angry. Angry that my prayers were not answered. Angry that I prayed for no reason. It seemed like, what’s the point? Why pray? The most important prayer I had wasn’t answered. Why pray for anything anymore? It won’t happen just cause I pray for it.
Ive struggled with this for awhile now. I’ve been so angry every time I’ve attempted to pray. I know many people get strength, courage, or what have you through prayer, but for me its not that way. I’ve come to realize that I feel abandoned by God. Not just for allowing my baby to die, but also for not comforting me when I need it the most. I’ve tried so many times to pray, even praying to be able to pray. But in the end, its just emptiness. Like I just can’t bring myself to believe anymore. Everything I believed in has been called into question.
I was recently lent a book When bad things happen to good people. Its written by a Jewish rabbi, whose son died from Progeria. It really helped me understand what I’d been struggling with these past few months. Essentially the book argues that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, rather they happen randomly. Some things happen due to nature, ie tornados, disease. Some things happen due to other people’s free will, ie. rape, murder, burglary. He argues that praying for these things not to happen isn’t effective, because God doesn’t make them happen. He says that God doesn’t punish you with these things because of your sins, rather they happen by chance. Of course there are lots of examples and lots of explanation. Im way oversimplifying here. But essentially the argument is that if bad things happened due to our sins or because we deserved them then bad things would only happen to bad people. And that praying doesn’t stop things from happening because God can’t do that. If he could then that must mean the family whose child survived leukemia prayed harder or with more meaning then the family who prayed but the child died anyway. This of course makes no sense. If praying worked, it would always work, right? But it doesn’t, because God doesn’t control these things.
This has got me thinking about the whole idea that “God works in mysterious ways” or that God has some “bigger plan” and “things happen for a reason.” It got me thinking about a lot of things actually. I’ve been so angry. I’m angry that my prayers weren’t answered and angry that my baby had to suffer for no reason. I can’t believe that there is some bigger plan that would involve my innocent child dying or that my child suffered due to some sin I committed. I can’t believe in a God that would do that. I don’t believe that things happen for a reason, that there is some fate that makes this stuff happen to us. I don’t believe my baby had to die for some greater purpose. And if that was true, I want nothing to do with that God. Why would I want to believe in a God that would make innocent babies suffer for his “master plan?” I do think that you can take a bad situation and do something good with it. I don’t think that means it was meant to be, that I had to experience this so I could do some good in the future or to fulfill God’s plan for me.
In the book, he argues that God’s place in your life it to help you through these hard times by giving you strength, courage, etc. But that actually is lost on me because I really think people give these things to themselves. I also think strength is attained through someone’s support system, which is where I now think religion comes in. Like a community of supporters that are there to help you and build you up. Through my loss, it has been my friends, family and especially my children who have given me inspiration and strength, not God or faith. So if that’s what God does for you, he didn’t do it for me, and not because I didn’t try or ask.
I was taught that if you do good things, good things happen to you and if you do bad things, bad things happen. This is taught over and over again in the Bible. Daniel’s faith in God saves him from being eaten by lions. David’s faith in God gives him the strength to kill Goliath. It makes me sick now. I was actually reading Hunter these Bible stories the other day and it made me ill to read them. I had to stop. I don’t want to teach her that faith and goodness is all you need. That this will carry you through and that faith in God will create miracles and save you from the wrongs of the world. This isn’t true.
So now I’ve come to a crossroads of sorts. I’m wondering what is left for me? What is there in Christianity for me? I already didn’t believe in hell. Now I don’t believe in God protecting me from tragedy and pain. I don’t believe that God gives me strength or courage. I don’t believe that God saves me from my sins. So what’s left? I can’t find anything. I’ve thought about talking to a pastor about it and seeing what they have for me, but I can’t imagine they could say anything that I wouldn’t find offensive, demeaning or pointless.
Since having kids I’ve attended church, not for me, but for them. I always felt my relationship with God was personal and I didn’t need a church to have a relationship with God. But I wanted to have someone else teaching my kids right and wrong. But now I don’t even know if I should do that anymore. I don’t want them to believe it all either. So now, I dont know. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if there will ever be anything left for me in Christianity.
In college, I explored a lot of other religions and faiths. I was intrigued by Buddhism because it had all the fundamentals of my beliefs but didn’t have the higher power of Christianity. It truly was the closest thing I’d ever found to my own beliefs, even closer then Christianity. Buddhism also teaches that bad things happen in life. Not because God has some higher purpose, but because bad things just happen. Suffering is a part of life. Which is essentially what I now believe. Of course, there is a lot more to it then that, but I won’t go it all here. I’ve studied Buddhism a lot over the past 10 years, but now I turn to it more and more. I see the truth in it. It doesn’t ask me to have faith in some higher power. Its just about living a good life. Essentially that living a good and clean life is what brings happiness and fulfillment into your life (to way over simplify a belief system). So now, it seems, that is what’s left for me. To have morality because it’s the right thing for me. Not because God wants me too or because I will go to hell if I don’t. But because its what brings me joy, fulfillment, enlightenment. Doing right by myself and the world. That’s all I have left.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Our Loss
**Originally posted Feb 17th, 2009
We have had quite a long and scary weekend. In an effort to process through the information and let everyone know what happened without actually having to rehash it a million times, I thought I would write a blog and hopefully people can get their questions answered here until Im ready to talk about it more.
Most of you know that we found out I was pregnant shortly after Jim’s mom passed away. We were very excited about this new little baby coming into our lives.
Saturday morning I woke up with what I thought was typical morning sickness, which quickly escalated from basic nausea to chills/sweats, dizziness, weakness, and disorientation. We knew there was something wrong when I discovered I had broken my front tooth and didn’t know how it happened. Everything seemed to just keep getting worse and somehow I kept finding myself lying on the floor not knowing where I was or how I got there. Luckily Jim was home so I had him take me to the ER thinking I was probably dehydrated.
When we arrived at the hospital, I was ghostly white, extremely weak, dizzy, and couldn’t even sit in the wheelchair without feeling faint. The ER doctor ordered an ultrasound and it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy (where the embryo implants in the fallopian tube) that had ruptured. At this point they knew my body was in shock because the rupture had caused severe blood loss in my abdominal cavity and the blood was pooling internally. We were told I had to have surgery to remove the embryo and the part of the tube that had ruptured. During this time, my blood pressure had been extremely low and getting lower as time went on. Suddenly my blood pressure dropped to 55/28 and I was rushed to surgery. It happened so quickly that Im not sure Jim even realized what was happening. Luckily everyone moved quickly and my surgery was successful. I didn’t know how close to death I was until I had heard the surgical team scrambling to stabilize me before surgery and the anesthesiologist telling everyone to take a deep breath once I was stable and my BP started going back up. I realized at that point that I was very close to leaving my kids without a mother.
After surgery they talked to us a lot more about what happened. I had to have been passing out at home because I had several bumps and bruises including a knot on my head and a broken tooth, which explained why I seemed to “come to” several times on the floor and not know where I was or how I got there. We were told that if I had waited another hour to come to the hospital, it would not have been such a good outcome. It was a good thing that we recognized something was very wrong and went to the hospital when we did.
The surgical team was awesome and moved quickly when it was apparent that I was crashing and they needed to get in NOW. I thank God for the OB and the anesthesiologist who both seemed to take a special interest in me and were some of the best doctors I’ve ever had. I lost a fallopian tube but I was able to keep both ovaries and everything else is in tact and functional.
I lost the baby, which was inevitable since it was an ectopic pregnancy, but we are thankful that I made it out of this only losing a fallopian tube. I will be recovering from this for several weeks because it was major surgery, but I am blessed to have my mom nearby who will be helping me with the kids everyday when Jim is at work.
It has been an unbelievably difficult loss that Jim and I are still trying to process and work through. I am on an emotional rollercoaster right now and I cant even put into words what Im feeling or thinking. Its a lot easier for me to talk about the physical aspects of what happened to me which is why I needed to write this out. I have a hard time talking about my loss and Im not ready to talk about it with everyone yet. I do appreciate your kind words and thoughts.
Keep us in your prayers and thoughts and know that we are grieving the best way we know how.
We have had quite a long and scary weekend. In an effort to process through the information and let everyone know what happened without actually having to rehash it a million times, I thought I would write a blog and hopefully people can get their questions answered here until Im ready to talk about it more.
Most of you know that we found out I was pregnant shortly after Jim’s mom passed away. We were very excited about this new little baby coming into our lives.
Saturday morning I woke up with what I thought was typical morning sickness, which quickly escalated from basic nausea to chills/sweats, dizziness, weakness, and disorientation. We knew there was something wrong when I discovered I had broken my front tooth and didn’t know how it happened. Everything seemed to just keep getting worse and somehow I kept finding myself lying on the floor not knowing where I was or how I got there. Luckily Jim was home so I had him take me to the ER thinking I was probably dehydrated.
When we arrived at the hospital, I was ghostly white, extremely weak, dizzy, and couldn’t even sit in the wheelchair without feeling faint. The ER doctor ordered an ultrasound and it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy (where the embryo implants in the fallopian tube) that had ruptured. At this point they knew my body was in shock because the rupture had caused severe blood loss in my abdominal cavity and the blood was pooling internally. We were told I had to have surgery to remove the embryo and the part of the tube that had ruptured. During this time, my blood pressure had been extremely low and getting lower as time went on. Suddenly my blood pressure dropped to 55/28 and I was rushed to surgery. It happened so quickly that Im not sure Jim even realized what was happening. Luckily everyone moved quickly and my surgery was successful. I didn’t know how close to death I was until I had heard the surgical team scrambling to stabilize me before surgery and the anesthesiologist telling everyone to take a deep breath once I was stable and my BP started going back up. I realized at that point that I was very close to leaving my kids without a mother.
After surgery they talked to us a lot more about what happened. I had to have been passing out at home because I had several bumps and bruises including a knot on my head and a broken tooth, which explained why I seemed to “come to” several times on the floor and not know where I was or how I got there. We were told that if I had waited another hour to come to the hospital, it would not have been such a good outcome. It was a good thing that we recognized something was very wrong and went to the hospital when we did.
The surgical team was awesome and moved quickly when it was apparent that I was crashing and they needed to get in NOW. I thank God for the OB and the anesthesiologist who both seemed to take a special interest in me and were some of the best doctors I’ve ever had. I lost a fallopian tube but I was able to keep both ovaries and everything else is in tact and functional.
I lost the baby, which was inevitable since it was an ectopic pregnancy, but we are thankful that I made it out of this only losing a fallopian tube. I will be recovering from this for several weeks because it was major surgery, but I am blessed to have my mom nearby who will be helping me with the kids everyday when Jim is at work.
It has been an unbelievably difficult loss that Jim and I are still trying to process and work through. I am on an emotional rollercoaster right now and I cant even put into words what Im feeling or thinking. Its a lot easier for me to talk about the physical aspects of what happened to me which is why I needed to write this out. I have a hard time talking about my loss and Im not ready to talk about it with everyone yet. I do appreciate your kind words and thoughts.
Keep us in your prayers and thoughts and know that we are grieving the best way we know how.
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