What a crazy day

I thought I had made it through the day without any major meltdowns. I was pretty down over the past two weeks, so I thought maybe I had already had my due date depression out of my system. Then it reared its ugly head. But that's how it goes, in ebbs and flows.

I tried to keep myself busy today because today was my due date. I attended two fitness classes and ran lots of errands. As luck would have it, a couple great things happened to me. First, I was trying to think of a suitable way to honor my baby. All of my ideas seemed somehow inadequate. I had been wanting to get a charm to represent this baby on my mothers charm necklace (with their birthstones) for quite some time now but haven't because I just couldn't find one that fit. Either is was gender specific, which I didn't want, or it didn't go with the other 3. But I decided to just go to Sears, where the rest of the charms were purchased, and hope I found something appropriate. I sat and pondered as I looked at the charms still with that "its just not right" feeling. The sales lady asked if I needed some help and I told her that I was looking to add a charm to my necklace like the one here in the case but it was for a baby that died without knowing the gender and I just wasnt sure what to get. She was very sweet and pointed out a couple cherub charms, but they weren't right either. Then she suggested I look at the family jewelry, ie the mothers rings and other various birthstone jewelry. There was a charm necklace in that case with baby rings. Each with the child's birthstone, very gender neutral and the right size to match with the other necklace. It was perfect. The sales lady asked if I had miscarried and I briefly said that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Its funny, I always avoid saying that cause it somehow feels like it invalidates my pregnancy since it was doomed from the start. She said she had been there and shared with me that she had an ectopic pregnancy in 1978 (another wierd thing, cause I was born in 1978). We shared stories and even though she was a stranger, it was a nice exchange. It almost seemed like she was put there on that day to be the person who helped me. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel uncomfortable and she was able to help me find something appropriate. She understood, like only someone who had this experience can understand.

So I continued on my day, very excited that I had found a way to honor my baby and hold him (or her, IDK) close to my heart. Of course it had to be ordered and it comes in a few days, but thats ok. As I walked out to my car, I got a call from Marion County. This job I have been waiting weeks to hear back about finally came through. Im now employed!!! Finally. And its working for the county, which means better pay and its here in Salem. YAY! My otherwise gloomy day was having some happy endings.

And yesterday I finally received the refund from my midwives that Ive been waiting 7 months for. Which felt like it was finally coming to a close, like all the loose ends were now tied up.

The rest of the day consisted of me trying to stay occupied by cleaning, surfing the web, watching tv, etc. Of course, the girls were being overly needy today, which usually happens when I'm distracted and not paying attn to them. So they were climbing all over me and in my face all day long. Which sometimes, I can deal with, but today I just needed them to stop. When that happens I usually give them my undivided attn, since that's what they want anyway, and they immediately go from fussy to playing and laughing. And that's how it went today, although my heart just wasn't in it.

So my meltdown came this evening. When I finally allowed myself to feel the pain that Ive been bottling up all day. Now I'm thinking about all of those things you shouldn't. The what ifs. The should haves. Everything about this pregnancy was perfect. It squeezed in right before we couldn't have any more, this baby would've been due today so the baby would have been about 9 months before we moved to TX, old enough that I wouldn't need quite as much help, and I actually would've been pregnant with lots of my friends. I had been pregnant with cousins the last 2 times, but I don't see them very often. I was really looking forward to having all the babies together, which I didn't have with Taylor and my attempt at that with Hunter went badly. Of course, all of those friends have now had their babies and they are all getting together for playdates and taking pictures with all the babies together just like I pictured doing with them. It breaks my heart every time I see that, yet it keeps happening. I'm really happy for all of my friends who have healthy babies, but it's really hard to see. It's hard when you feel like you're the only one who lost. Who doesn't get to hold your baby. I know some of them have had previous losses, but having to watch them now have those dreams fulfilled is painful. This will be my upside to moving back to Texas, not having to be around all of those babies all of the time.

And that's the other side of this trauma for me. Jim and I can't have any more children. I had come to terms with that before I found out I was pregnant. I had accepted that my life was going in a new direction and soon my baby days would be over. But when I got pregnant, that all changed. I had new dreams of holding my baby, getting to have a totally natural birth my own way in a birthing center, watching the girls play with the baby, seeing what a great big brother Devin would be, watching this child grow and change. I wondered if would it would be a boy and look like Jim and Devin or more like the men in my family, would it be a girl and look like her sisters. I looked forward to babywearing again and had a plan for managing with a baby and two toddlers, which involved relying on my baby bjorn and hoping the baby loved it. Now that my baby is gone, I feel the great loss of this child. The loss of the baby I will never know. I hope there is something out there after death and that at some point we will be reunited, but at this point my faith is shattered. But in addition to all of that, I also feel the great loss of never getting to have any of those dreams fulfilled. Never holding my newborn baby, never seeing how great Taylor would be as a big sister, or how much Hunter would want to help. I see them do this with my niece and it saddens me that they will never have their own little brother or sister to love on or play with.

I try to move on, but I just feel like I have this giant hole in my heart. One that could've been mended if life was a little different, but will never fully heal. I don't know how to move on. I suppose you just take it one day at a time and enjoy the little things. I do have a greater appreciation for my children, who I don't take for granted. I try to treasure every minute I have with them, which through counseling and my support groups Ive been able to do.

So thats it, the first due date, is over. I've survived, somehow. Better then I thought I would. I suppose that's something. But it's been a crazy day filled with highs and lows, which pretty much also describes the past 7 months of my life.